4:Am
by Jennie-x
Summary: I looked at the clock, it had just turned 4 and I wondered what the point in loving you was. And I couldn't find one. So I gave up on it. It was 4:Am and I was alone.” Jack/Ianto they deal with the events that happened in the year that never was.


Right... I cried writing this. And To Be Honest I still am a bit. It's full of angst and underrated fluff. Song is 4:Am – Lostprophets. Please Review. Normal writing is what is happening now, italics is Ianto singing, and Bold is flashbacks. 

Ianto had invited him back to his place, it was the only way that they would be able to avoid themselves, and Ianto figured that he and Jack needed a night that didn't exist to tell each other how they felt. Only the minute the door had shut, Jack and Ianto had pushed their bodies on each other, kissing each other roughly, trying to convince each other that they were both there. For the first time in a while, Jack had fallen asleep. Ianto couldn't sleep though, he had left Jack sleeping in his bedroom and escaped to his living room. It was a new day and Ianto didn't want to face his feelings, he just wanted to forget everything.

Jack watched from the doorway a small smile gracing his lips. Ianto was sat on a stool in the living room, a guitar in his arms as he strummed lightly on the strings. He didn't know that Ianto played guitar, nor did he know that the young man sung. He listened intently to the song that he was singing and felt his eyes water.

"_Yesterday I lost my closest friend, Yesterday I wanted time to end, I wonder if my heart will ever mend, I just let you slip away..." _Ianto's voice was filled with so much emotion that he was surprised he wasn't crying, his hands were shaking as he fingered the guitar strings.

**Jack was gone. Every where he looked he could see him only it wasn't really him because his Jack had left him. Left to be with someone else, someone who could give him the world. Because being with someone who could only give you their heart wasn't enough for him. He couldn't stay at the hub, not without Jack. The memories consumed him and after the first month he had left. Stayed at home all day and drunk himself stupid, waiting hopelessly for Jack to come back to him. After the second month Ianto stopped drinking. He knew drinking himself stupid wouldn't help anyone, so he went away. Back to Newport, back to his childhood home and let his mother smother him with love. She had asked why he was so upset, why he started drinking heavily, why he couldn't stop crying. And he told her. Told her all about Jack, about him leaving with someone he used to know, used to love. And she held him tight telling him with time everything would get better. Ianto wished he could believe her. But he couldn't. He knew what time could do and he hated it. Jack had too much time, and Ianto had so little. That's why Jack was gone. Then the third month came and so did Jack. He had wondered back into the hub expecting to find Ianto but he wasn't there. When Toshiko told him where he was Jack had left to find him. **

**Jack had stared at the house for a while before knocking, it was seven at night and prayed they were in. It had been a year for him without his Ianto and he needed to see him, needed to hear his beautiful welsh vowels, he needed him. A middle aged woman answered the door and frowned. "You're Jack." She stated simply, she didn't sound angry nor pleased at his sudden appearance. Jack just nodded not too sure how he should be reply. "He's in his bedroom," Ianto's mum smiled and pointed Jack in the direction of Ianto's childhood room. Jack knocked on the door. **

"**I'm asleep!" Ianto shouted and Jack's heart nearly burst in its cage. **

"**Then how come you're answering me?" Jack asked back opening the door. Ianto was sat in the middle of his single bed just staring at the door his mouth open wide. **

"**Jack?" He asked after what felt like a lifetime for Jack. Tears were suddenly falling down his cheeks and he jumped up and wrapped his arms around the older man. Then he pulled away and before Jack knew it he was slumped against the door, a sharp fist to his jaw. "You fucking bastard Jack!" Ianto hissed and closed his door not wanting his mum to hear. **

"**I'm sorry Yan." Jack said and held his jaw, for a minute he saw guilt in the younger ones eyes but it was soon gone and replaced with hurt and anger. "I didn't mean to be gone so long." **

"**But you were," Ianto said simply sitting on the bed, Jack sat next to him and sighed. "Where did you go?" **

"**The end of the world." Jack replied honestly. "And one day Ianto, I'll tell you everything about what happened, but right now I just need you." Jack wasn't surprised when his own eyes started to tear up. **

"**I thought I'd lost you," Ianto cried, wrapping his arms around him once more. "Every where I looked was a constant reminder that you weren't there and I hated you not being there." **

"**I'm back now, for good." Jack whispered. "I came back for you Yan," **

"_Maybe I'll never see you smile again, maybe you thought that it was all pretend, All these words that I could never send, I'll just let them slip away, 4 am forever." _ Ianto continued to sing, his eyes were shining with tears but he couldn't stop. All his emotions had been building up for so long, even with Jack back, Jack wasn't completely back. He was different. He wasn't the same man that had made him fall in love, not just with him but with life. He had changed, and Ianto couldn't decide whether it was for the best or not.

"**How can you just accept him back in your life, Yan?" Owen had surprised him the most. He had been there when Ianto started drinking, and made his presence felt whenever the youngest member needed it, but he had never given advice on his love life. Until now. "He left, didn't even say goodbye. And now, you're just accepting him." **

"**I don't know what to do," Ianto admitted. "I love him. And he left. But he came back that has to mean something." **

Ianto let his memories rush over him as he continued to sing, his fingers new the strings like the back of his hand and he lost himself in the music that haunted his memories. _"Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you? Why don't you listen when I've tried to make it through to you, goodbye goodbye, you'll never know. Hold a little tighter. 4:am forever." _

"**Why can't you tell us where you were?" Gwen screamed. She seemed to have taken him leaving the most, and him swanning back in for five minutes, and leaving to find Ianto had unsettled her the most. **

"**I found my doctor," Jack said simply. **

"**Did he fix you?" Owen spoke up, he looked over at Ianto who had kept his eyes trained on the floor. It felt weird, being in the hub again. He found himself wishing to be at his mums once again, in the comforts of his own childhood room where he had locked away all his demons and knew he was safe. **

"**What's to fix? You don't mess with this level of perfection..." Then Ianto lost it. He stormed up to Jack and punched him, harder than he had punched him when Jack had killed Lisa, his Lisa. **

"**You fucking left!" He screamed. "And you know how much that hurt, Jack. But what hurts even more is that you don't trust us enough to tell us where you were!" Ianto walked away, he grabbed his coat, got in his car and drove. Jack followed him in the SUV, he was alarmed when he saw Ianto pull up at the Beacons. Ianto got out of the car, he was shaking, this place held so many bad memories for him, but he had to be there. **

"**Ianto, why did you come here?" Jack asked. He walked closer to the younger man and saw the fear in his eyes. **

"**This is when I realised you weren't really a monster." Ianto said, tears falling down his eyes. "The first time I met you, I felt something for you, so deep that it scared me. I pushed it away though, I had to save Lisa. You killed her, and worst of all you forgave me, for putting everyone's life in danger. I called you a monster, and I meant it. But then you saved me, all of us. That's when I let the feelings come back, Jack. They didn't scare me any more, because you weren't a monster. But now, Jack. I'm scared again." Jack wrapped an arm around Ianto only to be pushed away again. "You said that night, when you took me home. When you kissed everyone of my bruises, you told me that I meant something. Was it just pretend Jack?" **

"**No." Jack choked. "I do... you mean so much to me, Yan." **

"**But you left. After everything, you fucking died. I thought I had lost you, I didn't know what to do. I locked myself in your office, held your coat and cried so hard. Harder than I cried for Lisa, Jack. The thought of doing that killed me. And you woke up, and that kiss. I thought you know maybe we could be something more than just a passing shag. And then what do you do Jack? You go and fucking leave! And break my heart all over again." **

**Ianto was surprised that he wasn't crying. He wanted to cry. He needed to cry. But to cry meant he gave a damn. And right now. He didn't. **

"_Maybe one day when I can move along. Maybe some day when you can hear this song, you wont let it slip away. 4 am forever. I wish the sun would never come its 4 Am and you are gone, I hope you know you're letting go, it's 4 Am and I'm alone!" _Ianto felt his body break down, but his fingers still moved across the strings. _"Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you? Why don't you listen when I've tried to make it through to you? Goodbye, Goodbye, you'll never know. Hold a little tighter." _ Ianto repeated it over and over, his voice getting harsh, and his throat dry as he screamed at the end, he was letting go. He had to let go.

**Ianto stood on the roof of his building, he stared at his watch: 4am. The sun hadn't rose yet, it was still hovering below. He looked across the rooftops, wondering where Jack was, because he wasn't there with him. Ianto was alone. Jack was back, yet he still felt like he was alone. He let his tears fall from his broken eyes, because right now he did care. He had to care. Because Jack was back. Like he had told Owen, that had to mean something. **

"**I came back for you," Jack's voice was a ghost in his ears. Ianto didn't know if he could believe him. He had lied so many times. Kept everything hidden for so long. But maybe, maybe this time could be different. But it wasn't different, because he still lied, still kept secrets, still shut Ianto out. Now matter how much Ianto tried to make it through to him, he was still shut out. No matter how hard he wanted to hold the older man, he was pushed away to be pulled back again. And it was slowly driving Ianto mad. **

Ianto put the guitar down, and cried hard. He pulled his arms around his knees and sobbed his heart out. He didn't give a damn that Jack was in the bedroom, and could hear everything. Jack deserved to hear it, he deserved to see the pain that he had caused. His body shook in his arms, but he couldn't stop crying. He hated Jack for making him like this. He wanted to leave, run. Escape. Just scream goodbye, but he was rooted to the spot.

"I'm so sorry," Jack whispered, as he grabbed hold of Ianto and held him so tighter. The embrace caused sparks to fly in Ianto's mind, and he pushed Jack away from him with so much aggression he didn't know he had.

"What do you want from me, Jack?" Ianto pleaded. He was still crying, his voice was nothing but a horrible scratch.

"I want everything!" Jack said quickly.

"Including trust?" Ianto laughed. "Because you don't trust me Jack."

"I trust you with my life." Jack said strongly. "I always have!"

"No you don't. You've never trusted me with anything more than your fucking coat!" Ianto screamed. "Because if you did you wouldn't have left me on my own. You wouldn't have left without a note... you wouldn't have left at all."

"I'm sorry there isn't anything else I can say..."

"You can tell me the truth." Ianto sobbed. "That's all I've ever wanted Jack. And You have the whole world, surely you can tell me one story. You never shut up about your fucking trips with the doctor. Your precious fucking doctor that took the man I loved away from me!" Ianto screamed.

"I'm here, I came back. The man you loved is right here," Jack said his own tears falling down his cheeks.

"No!" Ianto yelled. "The man I loved made my heart beat a hundred times a minute when ever he came near me, he made my lips smile automatically when ever he said my name. The man I fell in love with wasn't you!" Ianto fell on the floor in a desperate heap.

"Then who am I?" Jack asked, sitting down next to him.

"I don't know, Jack. I really don't know. Because you haven't told me anything." Ianto looked at Jack, his eyes pleading to know the truth.

"I... I went to the end of the universe. I was held prisoner by a man known as 'The Master' and he killed me everyday." Jack said quietly. "He killed you."

"What?" Ianto choked.

"He brought you and the whole team to the Valiant were he was keeping me and the Doctor. He had you all in a line. Toshiko went first, Owen next, Gwen, you were a line of ducks. But then you, he looked at you and then at me. And he tortured you right in front of me. He cut out your fucking heart! Right in front of me. And that was when I wanted to die and never wake up. And that day when he killed me, I woke up screaming your name." Ianto stared at Jack, he didn't know what to say. "A whole year I was there, away from you. The Master knew you were the person I cared about most, and he used it as an advantage. And for the rest of the year, all I could think about was you. And I realised I was too late. I fell in love with you and I believed you were dead. When I got back, the year reversed its self, none of it happened. I got back to the hub, and you were gone." Jack sobbed.

"I'm sorry."

"You were gone, Yan. I thought, for a minute when I couldn't smell your coffee I thought it happened. I thought were really gone." Ianto wrapped his arms around Jack and they cried together.

"I would never leave." Ianto whispered.

"I'm sorry. I really am sorry." Jack cried. "Please forgive me." Ianto watched Jack's pleading eyes and nodded. "I love you, Ianto. With all my heart. I love you."

"I love you, too." Ianto wrapped his arms around Jack once more and allowed himself to be held, and to do the holding. They both needed this.

They stayed like that for two hours, crying in each others arms. Jack stared at Ianto's guitar and thought back to the song that Ianto had been singing previously. "Yan..."

"Mm?"

"Why 4:Am?" Jack asked, his fingers playing with Ianto's hair gently.

"That's the time I decided I had given up on you." Ianto said softly. "It was the first month you were gone, and I got drunk. A lot. Every night, didn't go into work. Couldn't handle not seeing you, so I drank myself into a frenzy. I got so angry one night, I smashed everything up, cups, plates, mugs. And then I saw a picture of you, and threw it hard against the floor. The glass shattered on my wrists, and there was so much blood. And then I looked at the clock, it had just turned 4 and I wondered what the point in loving you was. And I couldn't find one. So I gave up on it. It was 4:Am and I was alone."

"You cut yourself?" Jack felt his eyes watering again at the thought of how much pain he had caused Ianto. Before he realised what he was doing, Jack pulled Ianto's sleeve up and felt his heart ache at the red scar.

"It wasn't done on purpose. But it reminded me of the pain and before when I was in pain I'd go to you. That's when I realised I was truly alone."

"Not any more." Jack said, pulling Ianto's face towards him and kissing him with as much passion and love that he could find. "You're never going to be alone like that again."

"Don't say that, Jack." Ianto begged.

"What?"

"Don't promise me you wont leave, because one day the world and its doctor is going to need you. And I know that you're going to go, because that's what you do."

"But I'll always be back." Jack said strongly. "I'll always be back for you."


End file.
